I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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