chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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