You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
