They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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