DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
