I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
