Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.