Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
