Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
