The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
pop tarts are not kleenex
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Randomize
