mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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