I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
