you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
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My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
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Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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