He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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