I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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