she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
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