please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
