Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
