i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
