It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
