Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
