Plan B is the new Plan A
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You are a genius and a whore.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
