He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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