i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
