i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
