I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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