Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
