This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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