you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
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You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
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Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"