I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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