So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
