you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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