DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I need a burrito and a hug.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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