Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
