He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
