i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize