your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
