I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
