Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
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This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
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Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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