i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
