you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
