Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
