I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
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you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
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Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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