Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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