I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
