Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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