i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
