He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
