hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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