no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
