There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
