I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
