I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
