Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
