I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
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You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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