we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
