i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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